(Maxim and I are eating dinner. Tomorrow, the family leaves for a week-long vacation.)

Me: So we don’t have any real plans for tomorrow, buddy. But I was thinking that maybe in the morning we can go to playgroup, and I’ll see if we can go skating or swimming in the afternoon.

Maxim: Ok! *rolls eyes dramatically” THANK GOODNESS! I can’t remember the last time somebody told me I have the day off!

(I am driving Maxim and his brother [who is 2, and has fallen asleep in the car] home from school. Maxim misses him during the day and is always disappointed when he falls asleep)

Maxim: Lucius, if you don’t wake up right now I’m gonna lock you in a trash can until you get chicken pox! Then what’re you gonna do, huh?

Me: (laughing)

Maxim: And WHAT is so funny??

(Maxim and I are trying to fix his snowman in the front yard. Due to the unseasonably warm weather, the snowman has significantly decreased in size)

Me: I think this snowman is melting, buddy.

Maxim: No he’s not! He’s just on a diet to lose his Christmas weight! 

(Maxim and I are working on a puzzle. All of a sudden, Maxim jumps up and starts flailing himself around the room for about 20 seconds, then sits down again beside me as if nothing was out of the ordinary)

Me: Maxim, what were you doing there?

Maxim: Sorry, sometimes I just need to shake my booty!

(Maxim and I are playing with Harry Potter wands he got from Disney and making up spells)

Me: Accio, Maxim!

Max: (indecipherable medley of letters)

Me: What does that mean?

Maxim: It means, come here you filthy Frenchmen! 

Me: … 

(A busy day at the mall, Maxim and his mum are in line at the food court)

Maxim: Mom, why do you have dishes in your pants?

Mom: What? Why do you think I have dishes in my pants?

Max: Because you said that you have china, remember?

Mom: No, Maxim… you mean vagina, not china.

Max: (at the top of his lungs) OH, YOU HAVE A VAGINA!